Chapter 1What’s the Point?If you had a commission to give and you entered a man’s office and found him lolling back in a tipped swivel chair, his feet above his head, the ubiquitous cigar in his mouth and his drowsy attention fixed on the sporting page of the newspaper, you would be impressed not so much by his lack of good manners as by his bad business policy, because of the incompetence that his attitude suggests. It is scarcely necessary to ask: Would you give an important commission to him who has no apparent intention of doing anything but “take his ease”; or to him who is found occupied at his desk, who gets up with alacrity upon your entrance, and is seemingly “on his toes” mentally as well as actually? Or, would you go in preference to a man whose manners resemble those of the bear at the Zoo, if you could go to another whose business ability is supplemented by personal charm? And this again is merely an illustration of bad manners and good.
—Emily Post, Etiquette, 1922
The point, dear reader, is that manners can make all the difference in business. More than “good manners will earn you business,” the lesson here is that it is our choice to use manners and that choice can impact our business. No one forces us. We are in control of this. Understanding and using the manners of the day, which we are all in a state of learning and will continue to learn as they change and evolve over time, is what can set us apart. For five generations, the Emily Post Institute has recommended that business etiquette can make all the difference in business success. We believe it, we see the point, and we hope you will too.
WHAT IS ETIQUETTE?What does the word etiquette mean to you? We can define etiquette as social expectations, but the reality is that the word carries more weight than that definition can hold.
When we start a business etiquette seminar, we often begin by playing a simple word-association game, asking, “What words come to mind when you hear the word etiquette?” Without fail, no matter where we are teaching or who is in the audience, we hear “politeness,” “manners,” “thank-you notes,” “respect,” “fork,” and “mom,” or “grandmother” most often. Keep pushing or waiting, and the answers get more interesting: “old-fashioned,” “formal,” “phony,” “stuffy,” “elitist,” or “royal.”
Some people’s responses to the word etiquette are very positive and personal, reminding them of someone who really mattered to them: their mother, a grandparent, a favorite aunt, a teacher, or a business mentor. For them, etiquette was a part of a childhood home, a family, a school, or an experience they treasured. Often, this person was someone who initiated or clued them in to a piece of etiquette advice that not only became useful but unlocked experiences and opportunities. For these people, etiquette provides a sense of what is expected of them and what they might expect in a given situation. It is secure, comforting, and thoughtful, and it inspires confidence.
But it’s not all roses. Other people remember a time when they felt uncomfortable, unsure, excluded, or judged, and it felt like manners and etiquette were only highlighting how out of place they were, or how unaware they were of how to behave. For these people, etiquette is at best mysterious, and at worst a tool of segregation. Very few feelings are as unsettling as feeling out of place or like you don’t belong with others. These two very different associations with the word etiquette represent two very different realities about the word and the idea of sharing common social standards.
For those who have experienced the negative impact of the word etiquette, we hope to offer a new perspective that helps you move forward with etiquette employed as a trusted skill, a tool to hone that resonates with your life, perspective, and personal integrity. Etiquette can be a powerful part of your life kit to help facilitate cooperation and build relationships. And when behavior is tied to income, as it is in business, it makes etiquette not just a powerful tool but an essential one. Breaking down past negative experiences and feelings of unease around etiquette and manners and allowing light to shine on how etiquette, when properly applied, can be rooted in practicality and thoughtful, self-respecting behavior can be a transformative part of a professional journey.
When etiquette and manners work well, they give us confidence in ourselves and our interactions with others and allow us to feel good. When you have an enjoyable time with someone or a meeting goes well, you leave it feeling great! Quite often, it’s because good etiquette skills were being practiced by the people involved. Greetings and pleasantries are exchanged. The conversation is a balanced discourse. People leave the gathering or meeting feeling heard and understood—regardless of whether they agree or solve a problem.
But when etiquette is used poorly to exclude, judge, or, in some cases, reinforce unfair power systems, it breaks people down and divides them. Feelings of insecurity and inequality are the result. We leave that meeting or conversation feeling uncomfortable, disappointed, or deflated. The key to any effort to employ etiquette in the pursuit of good behavior is a willingness to think about how it can work well and to recognize and avoid the aspects that can make people feel excluded and judged.
Good etiquette is about improving oneself or a situation, not judging others or inflating one’s own sense of self-righteousness. In the simplest terms, etiquette is a powerful, positive, transformational tool when you use it to assess and improve your own behavior. It becomes less useful and even detrimental to relationships when used to judge, critique, or exclude others.
THE GOOD NEWS IS: IT’S ALL ABOUT RELATIONSHIPSAt the Emily Post Institute, we love the opportunity to share the good news that etiquette is all about relationships. Even with the great divide in how people experience and internalize the idea of etiquette. It’s not about rules or knowing the most. It’s about how we treat each other and how we experience one another. Here is how Emily Post put it:
Whenever two people come together, and their behavior affects one another, you have etiquette . . . it is not some rigid code of manners, but simply how persons’ lives touch one another.
We like to think of this as the heart of etiquette. No matter the circumstances, if another person is involved, the question of how you acknowledge and interact with each other is etiquette. It’s the care we take with each other. Think about someone who matters to you. Now think about how you behave with that person—not how you feel about them, but how you treat them, respond to them, and communicate with them. The quality of that experience is what we mean by etiquette. Good etiquette is everything you can do to improve the quality of that experience, and bad etiquette is anything you do that makes it worse. The good news is that despite the nuances this book explores, etiquette is not complicated.
The good news doesn’t stop there. When we break down the core principles of etiquette, people realize that the foundation of Emily Post etiquette is exactly the kind of foundation they’d like the people they interact with to be working from. You hear it when people express wanting others to have “common decency” and “basic manners” and to “treat each other as human beings.” The core principles we use to guide our advice at Emily Post are consideration, respect, and honesty.
Copyright © 2025 by Lizzie Post. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
